Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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