the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
