i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
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a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
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The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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