the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
