he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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