I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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