So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
