He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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