I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
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