His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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