Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
