fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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