she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
