her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
