I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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