I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
This is the prime rib incident all over again
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
