Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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