I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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