I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
