He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
