I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
