You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
