she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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