was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
They are going to name an STD after you.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
