You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
