Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
