There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
