im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
jump out the window naked night went bad
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