I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
