Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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