Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
