Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
