I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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