I looked at my own cervix.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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