The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
