Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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