dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think I am morally bankrupt
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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