It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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