Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
