Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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