I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
