so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
