I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
