I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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