i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
we're making bets on your personal life
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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