Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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