You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
My vagina just recognized that song.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
