I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
