you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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