apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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