My sheets look like a crime scene.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Randomize
