I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
