I just saw a hot homeless man
there's paper in my vomit.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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