life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
