theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
