I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
