I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
