just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
