omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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