I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
