Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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