If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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