after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
